Finding some Positive when feeling Negative

Have you ever been in one of those places in your head where you kind of feel you should acknowledge you are achieving more than you are giving yourself credit for BUT you are not, you are focusing on the struggles, the tough stuff, the never ending list of anxieties to work on.



That's where I am today. I have been working on a play project and reading Screw work break free by John Williams. This led me to create this blog and I have come up with lots of ideas and began making a website and posting inspirational quotes on Instagram and Twitter. A lot more than I even thought I could achieve at the beginning. However, my aim of creating an App has fallen short due to my total lack of ability to make one lack of funds to pay someone to. Therefore, my whole final aim has been jeopardised as I don't really know what it is I am offering people now as a result of my project.



My strengths are my friendship abilities and my compassion and an in-depth knowledge of what it feels like to struggle with your mental health. And reading this book has definitely helped me realise these are valuable and maybe I am even glad they are my strengths. But how do I actually put this into something to help others? I am one of many, many on Instagram posting uplifting things. This is gaining me more 'likes' than anything else at the moment. It is just feeling like this is a far cry from what I need to be doing, I can’t offer to chat to everyone and I can’t promise any good results. So, who would show an interest? It is so frustrating as I am beginning to believe I can do this but I am at a wall a really big brick hard wall. I need to offer something people want and value but I cannot see how I can.



The anxiety inside me is telling me I can’t and making me procrastinate. What a fool I was to think I could do all this while having therapy and recovering. But it has helped me as I have stuck with it so far, I am only frustrated as I don't want it to come to an end so near to the end of the 30 days. So, I guess I do have drive in me. Surely drive and compassion are two of the best combinations? I'm really trying to type myself happy here. But it kind of works!



I am going to go and do my 20 minutes and give myself some direction. I want to do this to help others and be a friend to others, but I also want to show myself how much potential and talent I have and gain some self-confidence.



So, if anyone is feeling the same. Don't give up. Maybe write it all out like I have and find some positive. A vent box...now there’s an idea.....Let me know if and how it helps you

Frustration - a cry for help

Frustration is my word of the day. The problem is in my position frustration can easily become anxiety, depression or dark thoughts.
I am frustrated, I feel at a stand still. I am unsure how to continue this blog, worried no one reads it and no one cares. What do I have to offer or say? I don't really know, that's a lie actually I do, I thought my skills lay in being compassionate and a good friend so have thought long and hard about how I could use this to help others, I have ideas but I need some help creating an App or website that will function in a way that allows me to offer support to others. I am searching course after course, contacting people but money and my own understanding of what I am reading is slowly killing my drive.

So instead of endlessly going around in circles I am writing this, writing it out of my system. Sorry this must all be so boring to read but something happens when I write, I read back how I am feeling and I want to sound more positive and say to myself the kind of advice I give to others but never follow for myself. If I was reading this I would say take a breather, have a day off from it, then go back fresh and just choose a single task and only work on that.
This sounds like good advice for life in general, or for anxiety in general! take a breather when you need but come back and try again, break it down into small tasks and reward yourself for all the achievements.

I will persevere then, I  am still unclear what my next step will be, but I have been in this place so many times in my life, had strategies that I have believed will cure me, change my life, make it all better. Then after a few weeks they ease off and I find it hard to sustain the enthusiasm. I think I believed I was pathetic and not good enough. I don't think that's true anymore. (I need a pep talk right now so I am giving it to myself) So I will find a way through my current problems and not let them defeat me. Maybe one day I will look back at this post and it will have been my defining moment. I guess that will be down to what I do next. Thanks for listening to the rambles of a frustrated, anxious young women who has her whole world in front of her but struggles to see it.

Is it just me?

I have felt anxious, lonely and depressed for many years. Never having yet fully recovered or gained the support I need. I have been through many counsellors, medications and GP's. Highs and lows, new starts, rock bottoms. It's easy to feel nothing has worked and it’s all hopeless I am the way I am and life will just always be harder for me than others. But I have learnt something that after nearly 20 years has only just become clear to me.

 I need support that is constant, secure and personalised just for me.

 I can change my life, I can overcome all my anxieties. I just haven't had the consistent, ongoing support I need to do so yet.

I have always been time limited, been discharged without even beginning to dig to depths of what I need to go into to have any chance of recovery. There is always a long wait for any support so by the time I get it I am far lower than I was. I have become frustrated and not just for myself. I am certain I am far from alone in this.

 Has anyone else felt so low and worthless and as though it wouldn't matter whether you exist or not anymore? What have you needed in that moment? I needed a friend who could just magically be there and know without me telling them where I was mentally. I needed something to make me feel more positive and supported. I needed security. I needed reassurance and rebuilding.

 What happens when you don’t get this? You go around and around in cycles like I have until your whole life is affected in some way. A social anxiety can spread to other areas of your life, unnoticed and avoided but then suddenly eating is a problem, or certain sounds cause anxiety and then you avoid certain places and activities. You limit your world and have no idea how to get yourself out of it all.

 I want to share my experiences and ideas in the hope of helping others. I would like to one day realise the dream of everybody being able to access support they need when they need it. To stop the cycles of anxiety and depression I have experienced. To stop anyone else from 20 years of suffering before they even realise anxiety is not a personality trait or a lifelong companion it’s just a thought or feeling that can be overcome and kept away. Life can be enjoyed, I promise it can. I am not there yet but I am realising I have had the wrong perception of it all in my head. No matter how deep I am within it I can change it. I am certain I am not alone and if by baring my soul like this I help one other person feel better then this will have been worth it.