Tuesday, 14 November 2017


I have been away from here for a while. I have been struggling with my anxiety and depression. It was all getting too much and I had no idea where I was going with this blog and my grand plans to heal the world! I took a breather and got quite low and depressed, but I am picking myself up and trying again. I still go to counselling once a week and am building a good relationship with my counsellor. However I still feel I have a long way to go, more to open up about and work through.
My anxiety has been ever present and at times crippling. It makes me feel so pathetic and weak. I only seem to feel this way when judging myself though. If I was listening to anyone else say the same i'd be the first person telling them they are NOT pathetic or weak.

I am returning to my writing and I hope it helps myself a little as much as I hope it helps anyone reading this.

Thursday, 31 August 2017

Finding some Positive when feeling Negative

Have you ever been in one of those places in your head where you kind of feel you should acknowledge you are achieving more than you are giving yourself credit for BUT you are not, you are focusing on the struggles, the tough stuff, the never ending list of anxieties to work on.

That's where I am today. I have been working on a play project and reading Screw work break free by John Williams. This led me to create this blog and I have come up with lots of ideas and began making a website and posting inspirational quotes on Instagram and Twitter. A lot more than I even thought I could achieve at the beginning. However, my aim of creating an App has fallen short due to my total lack of ability to make one lack of funds to pay someone to. Therefore, my whole final aim has been jeopardised as I don't really know what it is I am offering people now as a result of my project.

My strengths are my friendship abilities and my compassion and an in-depth knowledge of what it feels like to struggle with your mental health. And reading this book has definitely helped me realise these are valuable and maybe I am even glad they are my strengths. But how do I actually put this into something to help others? I am one of many, many on Instagram posting uplifting things. This is gaining me more 'likes' than anything else at the moment. It is just feeling like this is a far cry from what I need to be doing, I can’t offer to chat to everyone and I can’t promise any good results. So, who would show an interest? It is so frustrating as I am beginning to believe I can do this but I am at a wall a really big brick hard wall. I need to offer something people want and value but I cannot see how I can.

The anxiety inside me is telling me I can’t and making me procrastinate. What a fool I was to think I could do all this while having therapy and recovering. But it has helped me as I have stuck with it so far, I am only frustrated as I don't want it to come to an end so near to the end of the 30 days. So, I guess I do have drive in me. Surely drive and compassion are two of the best combinations? I'm really trying to type myself happy here. But it kind of works!

I am going to go and do my 20 minutes and give myself some direction. I want to do this to help others and be a friend to others, but I also want to show myself how much potential and talent I have and gain some self-confidence.

So, if anyone is feeling the same. Don't give up. Maybe write it all out like I have and find some positive. A vent box...now there’s an idea.....Let me know if and how it helps you

Tuesday, 29 August 2017

Anxiety anxiety I wanna make you go away

Anxiety anxiety I wanna make you go away
I would like to rip out the pain that keeps life at bay

What must I do?
The heavy weight I carry makes me wish my thoughts were see through
My head in places it shoudnt go to
Stuck there on repeat, the usual cycle still to go through
Again again it never changes, there is only one dark place I could go to,

I am back there again but not actually going to go through

Anxiety anxiety I wanna make you go away
But even if I do you will come again another day

Friday, 25 August 2017

Having a friend there for you

A low can hit out the blue, just appear without any sign of triggers, the triggers are possibly there but I don't always see them or read them correctly.
As I have said before my go to place when this happens is my sofa, TV on but not really focusing, mobile by my side. I pick it up look for messages that don't exist. look on social media and decide everyone is having more fun than me and everyone isn't a real friend because where are they now? So as you can tell I am already in dangerous territory and not going the right way to improve my mood.

I focus on people who aren't there for me that I feel should be. People I cant access, I go off on that trail of thinking until I feel completely hopeless and depressed. But I still sit there with an aching body that cant face going for a walk or picking the phone up to speak to someone. I wait for the pain to pass but it doesn't. Can I pick my phone up and open an App or website that's a friend there for me? could just a few messages of support really help motivate me to break this cycle of thinking, inspire me? I think it could help me. I don't think its a replacement for real people but it is a place to turn to for friend based support. its a place someone could look to at the lowest time when you just want to let the suicidal thoughts creep in and continue downwards. What if getting the right message at the right time helped change that process. It wont be a miracle cure but it could shorten the low? It could make you feel less alone? It could make you feel that someone out there is thinking of you and wanting for you to feel better?

This isn't a sales itch by the way. Its me writing whatever is going through my head right now. So I am going to face my technology fears and see if I can make this happen.

Check out my website please, its got a clear message of my intentions http://site-1218771-1978-6262.strikingly.com/ and contact me if you have any thoughts or ideas for me. I am going on my own experiences so far in the hope that there are others who want the same.

Keep Fighting and love yourself x

Tuesday, 22 August 2017

Frustration - a cry for help

Frustration is my word of the day. The problem is in my position frustration can easily become anxiety, depression or dark thoughts.
I am frustrated, I feel at a stand still. I am unsure how to continue this blog, worried no one reads it and no one cares. What do I have to offer or say? I don't really know, that's a lie actually I do, I thought my skills lay in being compassionate and a good friend so have thought long and hard about how I could use this to help others, I have ideas but I need some help creating an App or website that will function in a way that allows me to offer support to others. I am searching course after course, contacting people but money and my own understanding of what I am reading is slowly killing my drive.

So instead of endlessly going around in circles I am writing this, writing it out of my system. Sorry this must all be so boring to read but something happens when I write, I read back how I am feeling and I want to sound more positive and say to myself the kind of advice I give to others but never follow for myself. If I was reading this I would say take a breather, have a day off from it, then go back fresh and just choose a single task and only work on that.
This sounds like good advice for life in general, or for anxiety in general! take a breather when you need but come back and try again, break it down into small tasks and reward yourself for all the achievements.

I will persevere then, I  am still unclear what my next step will be, but I have been in this place so many times in my life, had strategies that I have believed will cure me, change my life, make it all better. Then after a few weeks they ease off and I find it hard to sustain the enthusiasm. I think I believed I was pathetic and not good enough. I don't think that's true anymore. (I need a pep talk right now so I am giving it to myself) So I will find a way through my current problems and not let them defeat me. Maybe one day I will look back at this post and it will have been my defining moment. I guess that will be down to what I do next. Thanks for listening to the rambles of a frustrated, anxious young women who has her whole world in front of her but struggles to see it.

Saturday, 19 August 2017

Socialising challenge part two

I am home, survived it all and even managed some enjoyable moments. Am feeling proud of myself. I am extremely exhausted though, my legs ache and head hurts with the all so familiar drained from anxiety feeling as I call it. Does anyone else get this??

I ate all my meals out while away and took part in every planned social engagement. I even hung out in the bar/lounge in the afternoon which is so amazing for me. I would definitely have normally hidden in my room and relaxed in there. I did get my usual stomach issues from pushing myself to do this, But I felt a slightest tiniest change and sense of achievement that I wouldn't have believed possible even only a year ago.

There was an anxiety attack moment but I managed to stop it from becoming a full on attack. The unplanned and spontaneous suggestion of a massage in the spa was too much for me. The anxiety hit and I felt so uncomfortable about my body I couldn't do it. It's such a shame as I needed and wanted a massage but I couldn't face the anxiety, easier not to bother. So I spent a few minutes crying and battling in my head about how sad I was and fearing the anxiety stirring up inside me. I dwelled upon the thoughts that this was now yet another place that use to be nice for me that has become another hurdle to reconquer. I always loved a spa and swimming pool, sauna etc. a day for me that I could relax in. That's gone, the anxiety creeps in, too many people, I have gained weight, I am too fat and pale, I look awful without make up, everyone is judging me.... all so real in my head though. Wish I was care free in that environment again.

My counsellor would be having a field day, I write about one sentence being positive then focus in on the negative. I will try to and spend longer on the positive next time. Overall a good break away and there were small steps forward and one or two backwards.

For now I will relax and then back to work on my ideas for immediate support for everyone in same position as me. I need to decide what to try first, an instant chat option? motivational or uplifting statements? stories, music, signposting to other support. What would you want at the times you feel lowest and don't have an immediate friend there. What would help give that slightest of pick up's or stop the escalation downwards? what would you want from a friend at that moment?

Thursday, 17 August 2017

Socialising challenge

Hey everyone, so today my anxiety is kicking off. I am going away for two nights.
Everything that I will be doing is and should be enjoyable but at the same time it isn't. So thought I would have a quick writing sesh! see if it helps.

My mind is thinking towards my next two days ahead and it is almost funny isn't it - The curse of anxiety - I want to be sociable but it drains me and I struggle with it. If I sit at home alone I over think, get depressed, lonely. Which do I do?

I am trying to BALANCE. Plan in social events but plan in time in my day to be home and to be resting or relaxing. Works for a while but then I get exhausted and cant keep at it. I think my main issue is I give myself a hard time when I shouldn't I compare myself to others and think they have busier lives, they do more and I cant cope with my part time work and limited social activities. I worry what they think of me, do they think I am lazy? I hate getting asked why I am a part time worker and yet I am not a mum or anything else. I feel so judged and pathetic. I want to tell people I am doing all  I can manage at the moment but I don't I make ecscuses or brush off the conversation, depending on my mood or whether I feel the other person is going to understand me.

Anyway I am going for once not got the thoughts of cancelling or backing out which is a massive improvement for me. No doubt I will be exhausted and suffer some my usual physical symptoms BUT I will be there and I am going to try and have a positive mind set and I will let you know how I get on. Have a fantastic day all xx