Finding some Positive when feeling Negative

Have you ever been in one of those places in your head where you kind of feel you should acknowledge you are achieving more than you are giving yourself credit for BUT you are not, you are focusing on the struggles, the tough stuff, the never ending list of anxieties to work on.



That's where I am today. I have been working on a play project and reading Screw work break free by John Williams. This led me to create this blog and I have come up with lots of ideas and began making a website and posting inspirational quotes on Instagram and Twitter. A lot more than I even thought I could achieve at the beginning. However, my aim of creating an App has fallen short due to my total lack of ability to make one lack of funds to pay someone to. Therefore, my whole final aim has been jeopardised as I don't really know what it is I am offering people now as a result of my project.



My strengths are my friendship abilities and my compassion and an in-depth knowledge of what it feels like to struggle with your mental health. And reading this book has definitely helped me realise these are valuable and maybe I am even glad they are my strengths. But how do I actually put this into something to help others? I am one of many, many on Instagram posting uplifting things. This is gaining me more 'likes' than anything else at the moment. It is just feeling like this is a far cry from what I need to be doing, I can’t offer to chat to everyone and I can’t promise any good results. So, who would show an interest? It is so frustrating as I am beginning to believe I can do this but I am at a wall a really big brick hard wall. I need to offer something people want and value but I cannot see how I can.



The anxiety inside me is telling me I can’t and making me procrastinate. What a fool I was to think I could do all this while having therapy and recovering. But it has helped me as I have stuck with it so far, I am only frustrated as I don't want it to come to an end so near to the end of the 30 days. So, I guess I do have drive in me. Surely drive and compassion are two of the best combinations? I'm really trying to type myself happy here. But it kind of works!



I am going to go and do my 20 minutes and give myself some direction. I want to do this to help others and be a friend to others, but I also want to show myself how much potential and talent I have and gain some self-confidence.



So, if anyone is feeling the same. Don't give up. Maybe write it all out like I have and find some positive. A vent box...now there’s an idea.....Let me know if and how it helps you

Anxiety anxiety I wanna make you go away

Anxiety anxiety I wanna make you go away

I would like to rip out the pain that keeps life at bay

What must I do?

The heavy weight I carry makes me wish my thoughts were see through

My head in places it shoudnt go to

Stuck there on repeat, the usual cycle still to go through

Again again it never changes, there is only one dark place I could go to,

I am back there again but not actually going to go through

Anxiety anxiety I wanna make you go away

But even if I do you will come again another day

my website - Need a friend?

Having a friend there for you

A low can hit out the blue, just appear without any sign of triggers, the triggers are possibly there but I don't always see them or read them correctly.
As I have said before my go to place when this happens is my sofa, TV on but not really focusing, mobile by my side. I pick it up look for messages that don't exist. look on social media and decide everyone is having more fun than me and everyone isn't a real friend because where are they now? So as you can tell I am already in dangerous territory and not going the right way to improve my mood.

I focus on people who aren't there for me that I feel should be. People I cant access, I go off on that trail of thinking until I feel completely hopeless and depressed. But I still sit there with an aching body that cant face going for a walk or picking the phone up to speak to someone. I wait for the pain to pass but it doesn't. Can I pick my phone up and open an App or website that's a friend there for me? could just a few messages of support really help motivate me to break this cycle of thinking, inspire me? I think it could help me. I don't think its a replacement for real people but it is a place to turn to for friend based support. its a place someone could look to at the lowest time when you just want to let the suicidal thoughts creep in and continue downwards. What if getting the right message at the right time helped change that process. It wont be a miracle cure but it could shorten the low? It could make you feel less alone? It could make you feel that someone out there is thinking of you and wanting for you to feel better?

This isn't a sales itch by the way. Its me writing whatever is going through my head right now. So I am going to face my technology fears and see if I can make this happen.

Check out my website please, its got a clear message of my intentions http://site-1218771-1978-6262.strikingly.com/ and contact me if you have any thoughts or ideas for me. I am going on my own experiences so far in the hope that there are others who want the same.

Keep Fighting and love yourself x

Frustration - a cry for help

Frustration is my word of the day. The problem is in my position frustration can easily become anxiety, depression or dark thoughts.
I am frustrated, I feel at a stand still. I am unsure how to continue this blog, worried no one reads it and no one cares. What do I have to offer or say? I don't really know, that's a lie actually I do, I thought my skills lay in being compassionate and a good friend so have thought long and hard about how I could use this to help others, I have ideas but I need some help creating an App or website that will function in a way that allows me to offer support to others. I am searching course after course, contacting people but money and my own understanding of what I am reading is slowly killing my drive.

So instead of endlessly going around in circles I am writing this, writing it out of my system. Sorry this must all be so boring to read but something happens when I write, I read back how I am feeling and I want to sound more positive and say to myself the kind of advice I give to others but never follow for myself. If I was reading this I would say take a breather, have a day off from it, then go back fresh and just choose a single task and only work on that.
This sounds like good advice for life in general, or for anxiety in general! take a breather when you need but come back and try again, break it down into small tasks and reward yourself for all the achievements.

I will persevere then, I  am still unclear what my next step will be, but I have been in this place so many times in my life, had strategies that I have believed will cure me, change my life, make it all better. Then after a few weeks they ease off and I find it hard to sustain the enthusiasm. I think I believed I was pathetic and not good enough. I don't think that's true anymore. (I need a pep talk right now so I am giving it to myself) So I will find a way through my current problems and not let them defeat me. Maybe one day I will look back at this post and it will have been my defining moment. I guess that will be down to what I do next. Thanks for listening to the rambles of a frustrated, anxious young women who has her whole world in front of her but struggles to see it.

Socialising challenge part two

I am home, survived it all and even managed some enjoyable moments. Am feeling proud of myself. I am extremely exhausted though, my legs ache and head hurts with the all so familiar drained from anxiety feeling as I call it. Does anyone else get this??

I ate all my meals out while away and took part in every planned social engagement. I even hung out in the bar/lounge in the afternoon which is so amazing for me. I would definitely have normally hidden in my room and relaxed in there. I did get my usual stomach issues from pushing myself to do this, But I felt a slightest tiniest change and sense of achievement that I wouldn't have believed possible even only a year ago.

There was an anxiety attack moment but I managed to stop it from becoming a full on attack. The unplanned and spontaneous suggestion of a massage in the spa was too much for me. The anxiety hit and I felt so uncomfortable about my body I couldn't do it. It's such a shame as I needed and wanted a massage but I couldn't face the anxiety, easier not to bother. So I spent a few minutes crying and battling in my head about how sad I was and fearing the anxiety stirring up inside me. I dwelled upon the thoughts that this was now yet another place that use to be nice for me that has become another hurdle to reconquer. I always loved a spa and swimming pool, sauna etc. a day for me that I could relax in. That's gone, the anxiety creeps in, too many people, I have gained weight, I am too fat and pale, I look awful without make up, everyone is judging me.... all so real in my head though. Wish I was care free in that environment again.

My counsellor would be having a field day, I write about one sentence being positive then focus in on the negative. I will try to and spend longer on the positive next time. Overall a good break away and there were small steps forward and one or two backwards.

For now I will relax and then back to work on my ideas for immediate support for everyone in same position as me. I need to decide what to try first, an instant chat option? motivational or uplifting statements? stories, music, signposting to other support. What would you want at the times you feel lowest and don't have an immediate friend there. What would help give that slightest of pick up's or stop the escalation downwards? what would you want from a friend at that moment?

Socialising challenge

Hey everyone, so today my anxiety is kicking off. I am going away for two nights.
Everything that I will be doing is and should be enjoyable but at the same time it isn't. So thought I would have a quick writing sesh! see if it helps.

My mind is thinking towards my next two days ahead and it is almost funny isn't it - The curse of anxiety - I want to be sociable but it drains me and I struggle with it. If I sit at home alone I over think, get depressed, lonely. Which do I do?

I am trying to BALANCE. Plan in social events but plan in time in my day to be home and to be resting or relaxing. Works for a while but then I get exhausted and cant keep at it. I think my main issue is I give myself a hard time when I shouldn't I compare myself to others and think they have busier lives, they do more and I cant cope with my part time work and limited social activities. I worry what they think of me, do they think I am lazy? I hate getting asked why I am a part time worker and yet I am not a mum or anything else. I feel so judged and pathetic. I want to tell people I am doing all  I can manage at the moment but I don't I make ecscuses or brush off the conversation, depending on my mood or whether I feel the other person is going to understand me.

Anyway I am going for once not got the thoughts of cancelling or backing out which is a massive improvement for me. No doubt I will be exhausted and suffer some my usual physical symptoms BUT I will be there and I am going to try and have a positive mind set and I will let you know how I get on. Have a fantastic day all xx

What do you do at your lowest moment?

What do you do at your lowest moment?

I always plan to tell someone, but I never do. It's so hard to look at someone face to face and tell them how you feel or that you have urges to hurt yourself, kill yourself or that you just cannot cope anymore.
I have had plans, notes to myself, people I'd turn to and then not done it. I wanna know what others do?
There is a lot of support out there but I personally haven't felt confident enough to phone the Samaritans or speak to anyone at those times. I tend to close off, browse my phone sat on the sofa and look at social media and see everyone's happy photos and let that increase my feelings of depression and worthlessness. So what if I could use my phone to support myself in a helpful way....

Would an online friend or a safe place where you could get support be a valuable source to people with mental health illness?

Sometimes a friend is good enough to help bring you up enough to get through that moment. Or knowing others have been through the same and that you can to. Or perhaps an inspiring quote or story would help.

I would like to be a friend to everyone and be there 24 hours a day for the whole world but obviously this is unrealistic. So could I create a friend based support source that people can tap into when they need it and get that feeling you get when you talk to a friend but at that time you cannot access your friend or feel you cannot verbally or physically face anyone. An online friend or an App designed to be there for you. JThere4U.

where it all started

Ok so this is tough one, I have set myself this title and could probably type forever but going with what is on my mind at this specific moment.

I am still unclear for certain where my anxiety and depression all started from. I think school seems the obvious one for me but what if it was there before school life?

I always thought it was something from inside me though. My personality. ME.
I have honestly believed this for most of my life. I was really shy as a child, never strayed far even at the youngest of ages. Never felt happy going to parties and play groups, home was the sanctuary. But why did I feel this way, what happened to me to create this basis that has become the world I live in today. Maybe i'll never know and maybe it doesn't even matter anymore. Perhaps all that matters is that I can now see this link, see its not me.

It is opening up so many questions and I don't know which to even start with.
Did I start life as a blank canvas? Whatever my experiences have been have shaped me to this point.
Could I have been more pre disposed to anxiety and depression and my life experiences have triggered this?
Do I blame my parents?
Blame my lifestyle?
Do I let go of blame and except life is life and its all built up to this point and I needed to get to this point to see what I see now.
Is it the way I have interpreted my life and have I also been influenced by the people around me and the way they act and respond to their experiences? - (this question makes me want to answer YES). So I am going to start with this question then as it has my strongest reaction.

Is it the way I have interpreted my life and experiences and been influenced by people around me and the way they act and respond to their experiences that has moulded me to where I am today, right now in this moment?

Simple answer I genuinely feel it is. But if only it was that easy 'oh I realise this now and from now I wont get anxious at the sounds and situations that trigger it and I wont get low mood and be negative.' If only, if only hey..

I am not really truly read to share specific events with you all yet but I have had this realisation, I can see things from my past in new eyes, make seemingly obvious connections and understand how all this has grown and spiralled. I am still in therapy and still have a long way to go. However I can see the bigger picture now, see how it all happened. Now its the re programming part, seeing thoughts and feelings for what they actually are, fleeting things that are not the truth. But its about noticing those behaviours and acknowledging them at that point for what they are, so they don't have the chance to be turned into anxiety and depression. I am so completely programmed to be negative and run away from certain things, it's my go to mode, in so many aspects of my life. It feels almost impossible to do this. But I am trying and I will keep trying because I have come this far and realised so much. I hope this helps to inspire someone who is in a similar position. it is so good knowing you aren't the only one out there.

Keep going and keep believing, every moment is a new moment and new chance to become whatever you want.

Mental health care GAPS

So today I am thinking about the gaps in mental health care again. Can I get some feedback on what's actually missing or wrong with the current services or anything that you want that isn't in existence at the moment? (I do not have a magic wand, or miracle cure, sorry wish I had!)

My own thoughts are that is definitely something missing. Time, quality time and quality of therapy probably sum up most of my main thoughts about what is lacking. But I really want to know what others think.

Here's a repost of my first blog

I have felt anxious, lonely and depressed for many years. Never having yet fully recovered or gained the support I need. I have been through many counsellors, medications and GP's. Highs and lows, new starts, rock bottoms. It's easy to feel nothing has worked and it’s all hopeless I am the way I am and life will just always be harder for me than others. But I have learnt something that after nearly 20 years has only just become clear to me.

 I need support that is constant, secure and personalised just for me.

 I can change my life, I can overcome all my anxieties. I just haven't had the consistent, ongoing support I need to do so yet.

I have always been time limited, been discharged without even beginning to dig to depths of what I need to go into to have any chance of recovery. There is always a long wait for any support so by the time I get it I am far lower than I was. I have become frustrated and not just for myself. I am certain I am far from alone in this.

 Has anyone else felt so low and worthless and as though it wouldn't matter whether you exist or not anymore? What have you needed in that moment? I needed a friend who could just magically be there and know without me telling them where I was mentally. I needed something to make me feel more positive and supported. I needed security. I needed reassurance and rebuilding.

 What happens when you don’t get this? You go around and around in cycles like I have until your whole life is affected in some way. A social anxiety can spread to other areas of your life, unnoticed and avoided but then suddenly eating is a problem, or certain sounds cause anxiety and then you avoid certain places and activities. You limit your world and have no idea how to get yourself out of it all.

 I want to share my experiences and ideas in the hope of helping others. I would like to one day realise the dream of everybody being able to access support they need when they need it. To stop the cycles of anxiety and depression I have experienced. To stop anyone else from 20 years of suffering before they even realise anxiety is not a personality trait or a lifelong companion it’s just a thought or feeling that can be overcome and kept away. Life can be enjoyed, I promise it can. I am not there yet but I am realising I have had the wrong perception of it all in my head. No matter how deep I am within it I can change it. I am certain I am not alone and if by baring my soul like this I help one other person feel better then this will have been worth it.  

Anxiety, work and me

I am writing this as I feel the butterfly sensation in my stomach. Swirling and stirring. Work today has been a drain. Uncaring colleagues and a company that can't manage itself let alone the people it's designed to support. The frustration I feel comes out tinged with anxiety though. I'd love to tell the big bosses the truth they refuse to ever see. The badly treated staff and how rubbish all levels of management are. I get the beginnings of massive anxiety attack when I make any real progress towards actually approaching someone. The amount of draft emails, typed in phone numbers, half written letters is in reading. But not relieving my frustration. I know I'm going to cry if I try a face to face meeting. But scared to risk any actual in writing evidence of my betrayal that my manager may be shown, even if I ask for confidentiality I know the personality of the people I have to deal with. Gossip and sharing is a natural state they can't contain themselves, no matter what they should do. I don't think my anxiety could take showing up to work to face the backlash I'd get for the perceived betrayal. I feel nauseous thinking of that prospect now. The butterflies are becoming bats now and rising inside me. It's beginning to get me. My confidence is going I can see it all slowly fading. I'm trapped again. The anger is inside me still along with the pain. The release and cure still unclear.

My mind has gone to painful memory, that word I use a lot has surfaced, COWARD. I know I sound a coward it's a word I've labelled myself with all my life. A word my first ever counsellor called me that I've never forgotten how awful that made me feel. I pinned my hopes on counselling and it was all destroyed in that moment. It was said jokingly but it is was what she said that was so true to my own thoughts of myself.  I had avoided a social situation that week and not planned another and was therefore a coward. I hadn't managed to change and at that moment I knew what I was and that she couldn't help me. She doesn't know the damage she did. All my successive counsellors have never done such a thing, but I think I found it so hard to be open and honest to a majority of them because I thought I may get called that again, if I kept elaborating and they saw the real depths. then they might see the real coward I am.

Back to subject topic.... Work, well I guess I am seeing if writing all this is helping me. I think maybe it is. I am no professional writer as I am sure u can tell but I am being as brutally honest as I can be. Maybe I'm calling out to hear if anyone else feels the same, has done the same. Can I really be the only one who feels like this? Logically I know I’m not but part of my problem all these years has been the label I've painted myself with when it was just the anxiety. Not me. I need to tattoo this somewhere I think!.

But today is an example of how it still has such a hold over me. I have to not let this take over my thoughts and drag me down in that well known cycle.


Change can happen and I will get there.

RAW - Anxiety poem

For me it's in my stomach, that's where it lives, the monster inside me, the anxiety. Always from within and centred in my stomach.

The butterfly like sensation arises in an instinct, no time to tame. Tinged with terror, the fight or flight.

This progresses to shaking and pounding, a nervousness that is hard to describe. It courses through my middle and begins to rise up my body. The fear is so real despite rational thinking.

Breathing becomes difficult. Adrenalin starts running through me. Will it peak or wont it this time?

Deep breathing doesn't stop it only escape works. Retreat to my solitude and shake and gasp.

A few hours later it calms, legs will be heavy, a tummy full of butterflies. My body now aches with a kind of tiredness that only anxiety can create. A sleep is all I can do and start again tomorrow. Awaiting the next round, the next trigger, the next cycle of hell.  

Trapped in the NHS cycle of poor treatment for mental health problems

My experience of NHS mental health help and support is poor. I feel bad saying so, I have had various kinds of counselling but, (there is always a BUT isn’t there) it was never for long enough, I was always limited and discharged even when it was plainly clear I was not well again. All this did to me was make me feel an endless lost of thoughts,

I was a failure.

I was not doing well enough.

I should be better.

I bet everyone else is better after 14 weeks maximum of counselling.

It's must be my personality that finds life this hard.

This only perpetuated my spiral back downwards and dented my already fragile self confidence and motivation. Then you have to build the courage to try and get a GP appointment and go back the endless waiting list and wait and wait until your severely depressed again. Surely there could be a better way? A better system. But what would be the main things needed to change? Time always springs to my mind as a main factor for me.

On reflection about my previous therapy I can only now see there was a lack of time to build a bond strong enough to open up about everything. I have never told a single counsellor/therapist EVERY SINGLE ONE of my anxieties or the whole long depths of how it affects my life so completely and in almost every way you could imagine, I have felt embarrassed to open it all up. Maybe that’s my own fault for not opening up more but surely a counsellor should build and create the relationship and environment to? But how can they in the time limited restrictions they face....

I let my counsellors focus on my social anxiety or low mood and never dared tell them how my eating, work life, ability to do anything new and relationships with loved ones were so affected. It felt like so much of a mess that was completely unsolvable and I dreaded the look in their face that would tell me I was beyond help. So I was locked into the cycle of

counselling - discharge - depression - waiting list - counselling - discharge - depression - waiting list -  medication - counselling discharge - depression.

I am still working on breaking this.

I need to clarify, some of the actual counselling I had had helpful elements, however I was left to manage this on my own when I was not at a point where this was going to be sustainable. I viewed my backing away from social situations as a failure on my part and lost heart with it all. I just needed someone to say ok so you missed one thing, let’s go into it all and find the triggers, spend time, try techniques, then move on, fresh new day. And to repeat this as many times as it happened until one day I found the right technique for me.

It doesn’t feel like the NHS system is set up to allow recovery, just patch up and carry on. I can look back now and see how counsellors swerved and avoided opening up topics (time constraints?) but I needed to go there and I was influenced by their brushing over to think it wasn’t important.

I assume money and resources are at the bottom of all this. But surely if I had been given the right kind of therapist and long term real support from day one, when I went to the Dr's at around 15 years old because life had become unbearable and I had no idea why I felt this way, then maybe I would not be needing so much support and medication now which must be costing more over all this time. Maybe i'd just need to check in every now and then.

I’d love to spare others from this experience. The wasted years are gone and I am bitter about it at the moment but I will move forward and use my energy to change things. I am still as yet unclear how exactly but I am passionate and believe the impossible can become possible, for everyone, even myself.