Trapped in the NHS cycle of poor treatment for mental health problems

My experience of NHS mental health help and support is poor. I feel bad saying so, I have had various kinds of counselling but, (there is always a BUT isn’t there) it was never for long enough, I was always limited and discharged even when it was plainly clear I was not well again. All this did to me was make me feel an endless lost of thoughts,

I was a failure.

I was not doing well enough.

I should be better.

I bet everyone else is better after 14 weeks maximum of counselling.

It's must be my personality that finds life this hard.

This only perpetuated my spiral back downwards and dented my already fragile self confidence and motivation. Then you have to build the courage to try and get a GP appointment and go back the endless waiting list and wait and wait until your severely depressed again. Surely there could be a better way? A better system. But what would be the main things needed to change? Time always springs to my mind as a main factor for me.

On reflection about my previous therapy I can only now see there was a lack of time to build a bond strong enough to open up about everything. I have never told a single counsellor/therapist EVERY SINGLE ONE of my anxieties or the whole long depths of how it affects my life so completely and in almost every way you could imagine, I have felt embarrassed to open it all up. Maybe that’s my own fault for not opening up more but surely a counsellor should build and create the relationship and environment to? But how can they in the time limited restrictions they face....

I let my counsellors focus on my social anxiety or low mood and never dared tell them how my eating, work life, ability to do anything new and relationships with loved ones were so affected. It felt like so much of a mess that was completely unsolvable and I dreaded the look in their face that would tell me I was beyond help. So I was locked into the cycle of

counselling - discharge - depression - waiting list - counselling - discharge - depression - waiting list -  medication - counselling discharge - depression.

I am still working on breaking this.

I need to clarify, some of the actual counselling I had had helpful elements, however I was left to manage this on my own when I was not at a point where this was going to be sustainable. I viewed my backing away from social situations as a failure on my part and lost heart with it all. I just needed someone to say ok so you missed one thing, let’s go into it all and find the triggers, spend time, try techniques, then move on, fresh new day. And to repeat this as many times as it happened until one day I found the right technique for me.

It doesn’t feel like the NHS system is set up to allow recovery, just patch up and carry on. I can look back now and see how counsellors swerved and avoided opening up topics (time constraints?) but I needed to go there and I was influenced by their brushing over to think it wasn’t important.

I assume money and resources are at the bottom of all this. But surely if I had been given the right kind of therapist and long term real support from day one, when I went to the Dr's at around 15 years old because life had become unbearable and I had no idea why I felt this way, then maybe I would not be needing so much support and medication now which must be costing more over all this time. Maybe i'd just need to check in every now and then.

I’d love to spare others from this experience. The wasted years are gone and I am bitter about it at the moment but I will move forward and use my energy to change things. I am still as yet unclear how exactly but I am passionate and believe the impossible can become possible, for everyone, even myself.