where it all started

Ok so this is tough one, I have set myself this title and could probably type forever but going with what is on my mind at this specific moment.

I am still unclear for certain where my anxiety and depression all started from. I think school seems the obvious one for me but what if it was there before school life?

I always thought it was something from inside me though. My personality. ME.
I have honestly believed this for most of my life. I was really shy as a child, never strayed far even at the youngest of ages. Never felt happy going to parties and play groups, home was the sanctuary. But why did I feel this way, what happened to me to create this basis that has become the world I live in today. Maybe i'll never know and maybe it doesn't even matter anymore. Perhaps all that matters is that I can now see this link, see its not me.

It is opening up so many questions and I don't know which to even start with.
Did I start life as a blank canvas? Whatever my experiences have been have shaped me to this point.
Could I have been more pre disposed to anxiety and depression and my life experiences have triggered this?
Do I blame my parents?
Blame my lifestyle?
Do I let go of blame and except life is life and its all built up to this point and I needed to get to this point to see what I see now.
Is it the way I have interpreted my life and have I also been influenced by the people around me and the way they act and respond to their experiences? - (this question makes me want to answer YES). So I am going to start with this question then as it has my strongest reaction.

Is it the way I have interpreted my life and experiences and been influenced by people around me and the way they act and respond to their experiences that has moulded me to where I am today, right now in this moment?

Simple answer I genuinely feel it is. But if only it was that easy 'oh I realise this now and from now I wont get anxious at the sounds and situations that trigger it and I wont get low mood and be negative.' If only, if only hey..

I am not really truly read to share specific events with you all yet but I have had this realisation, I can see things from my past in new eyes, make seemingly obvious connections and understand how all this has grown and spiralled. I am still in therapy and still have a long way to go. However I can see the bigger picture now, see how it all happened. Now its the re programming part, seeing thoughts and feelings for what they actually are, fleeting things that are not the truth. But its about noticing those behaviours and acknowledging them at that point for what they are, so they don't have the chance to be turned into anxiety and depression. I am so completely programmed to be negative and run away from certain things, it's my go to mode, in so many aspects of my life. It feels almost impossible to do this. But I am trying and I will keep trying because I have come this far and realised so much. I hope this helps to inspire someone who is in a similar position. it is so good knowing you aren't the only one out there.

Keep going and keep believing, every moment is a new moment and new chance to become whatever you want.